I Wish

~ Her ~
As my phone slipped from my fingers
As my heart dropped
So hard it shattered
So hard I felt the pieces cut into me

I saw what I had hoped to never see
In my entire life
And suddenly nothing was mine anymore
Suddenly I wasn’t in my own body

The day I saw the love of my life
With someone else
Was the day

I felt myself change
And I knew right then
That I’d never be the same
Ever again

~ Him ~
I saw a switch flip inside her
That cursed day
That I locked eyes with her
That cursed day
That I had betrayed her

I saw the life seep out of her
As her eyes shuttered
As her expression darkened
As her hands
Stopped trembling

I ran after her
Never in my life
Had I ever felt
So disgusted with myself
Never in my life
Had I hated myself so much

I had betrayed the one I cared about most
And I thought I could fix it
I thought I could build it all back up again
I thought…


~ Her ~
No matter how much he begged
I remained silent
No matter how much he begged
I didn’t shed a tear

He had no idea
That he had taken every part of me
That was ever alive
That he had taken every part of me
That thought I could be happy

I could see the hope in his eyes
He thought he could fix this
He thought
I still loved him

The more he spoke
The more I realised
That he still loved me
That he still wanted
What we had
What we could never have again

The more he spoke
The more I realised
That he needed me
But all I felt
Was disgust
For the man I once knew
For the man I once loved

I wish
I didn’t let a stranger
Hurt me so deeply
I wish I had never given him the power
To decide
Whether I should be happy or not

I wish
I didn’t hate myself so much
For not being enough
I wish
I was enough
Oh, how I wish
I could learn to be happy again

But I know myself well enough
To know
That everything that was ever mine
Was gone
That everything that made me want to live
Was gone

And so I decided
I just wouldn’t anymore

~ Him ~
I tried the hardest I had ever
To win her over
To get her back
To earn
What I had lost

It didn’t matter to me
That she was unresponsive
It didn’t matter
How much she hated me
It didn’t matter
That since that day
She hadn’t spoken a word

I thought
That the more I tried
That the longer I tried
The lesser she’d resist
The lesser she’d hate
That maybe
She’d love me again

Just like I’ve always loved her
Just like I always will

~ Her ~
I don’t have it in me anymore
To try
To wake up
To see his face
To not see his face

I feel nothing
And everything
My mind is silent
And never quiet

I never want to speak again
But at the same time
There’s so much I want to say
I want to scream
I want to hit him
I want to cry

But nothing ever comes
And nothing ever does
Nothing ever will

If this is how it’s going to be
What am I here for?
What reason do I have
To keep trying?

~ Him ~
I came home
To emptiness
She
Was nowhere to be found

I called her phone
She had left it
On the bed
We used to share

I searched her cupboards
Everything was still there
Where could she
Have disappeared to?
Where could she have gone
Without me?

I heard a scream
From outside our window
My phone rang
A call from our neighbour

I had never run so fast
In my entire life
My heart was beating
In my ears
My mind was racing
With just one question
Why? Why? Why?

Is this really because of me?
How could she hate me so much?

As I saw her standing on the edge
Of the terrace
A few floors above
The home we shared

I felt myself
Finally realise
After so long
Just what I had done
Just how much
I had destroyed
Everything we had
Everything she was
Was gone
Because of me
And suddenly it hit me
That she would never come back
That she would never let herself
Be happy ever again

As she turned around
As she smiled at me
For the very last time
As I lunged at her
As I failed her
Once again
Just like I always have
My hand brushed hers
And I knew I would never
Have the chance
To do that again

As she dropped
My heart dropped with her
So hard it shattered
So hard I felt each and every piece cut into me

I saw what I had hoped to never see
In my entire life
And suddenly nothing was mine anymore
Suddenly I wasn’t in my own body

The day I saw the love of my life
End everything she was
Because of me
Was the day

I felt myself change
And I knew right then
That I’d never be the same
Ever again

~Zoya Ghoshal